By DJ Echoes (guest reviewer)
First, I would like to thank Kris.G for offering me the chance to post on Bridging The Verse. I only wish it didn’t have to be under such unfortunate terms. (It’s kind of like meeting a hot girl at a funeral). Anyways, without further ado:
Racking up plays on last.fm.
Voting for their video at mtvU.
Promoting the concert on my radio show.
Sharing with my friends the joys of Chiddy Bang.
These are all activities I performed to help spread the word. Post-”concert”, I wish I could traverse time and space to take them all back (but at least I didn’t drive 4+ hours to see them. Sorry, Kris…).
I recall seeing The Sounds in 2006 and realizing that there are certain obligations of which a performer should be aware for his/her/their audience. At the time, I considered wearing something slightly nicer than a wife-beater tank top to suffice that rule. Now, I’ll settle for showing up before the event ends.
I should have know that proper event planning was not a top priority when the official Facebook event had Chiddy Bang playing simultaneously at the local hip-hop/statutory rape club and the douchebag/statutory rape frat house. Ultimately, it was confirmed that we would be infiltrating fratland.
Upon arrival, we purchased our tickets. I bought two and had a sinking feeling that I just got swindled, hoodwinked, robbed. I thought ‘Perhaps my prejudices towards Greek Life culture are a bit harsh’ and again ignored my intuition. We walked into a pen oozing with shame and regret, evidenced by the loud, unfortunate-looking frat concubines. (Side note: there was an alarming percentage of gingers at this event. Should have been my last signal to turn back from whence we came.)
The stage was about 8-square feet in surface area, and before we knew it, the humble platform was graced by the opening performers, Ground Up. Or Ground Out. Or Ground Meat. Can’t remember. Don’t care.
They sucked. Granted, one of the performers had slightly more energy and interesting delivery, but the lyrics were laughably bad. We stood in amazement as we were confronted by couplets that would have Shakespeare slitting his wrists and stabbing his ears in the grave. Thankfully, the sound system was so poorly engineered and utilized that most of the lyrics were indecipherable. They were on stage for 45 minutes. A long time. Or so I thought…
Because after their performance, we were gifted with a 2+ hour wait for the headliners to perform. During this time we watched as intoxicated females, wearing too little clothing to conceal rather undesirable bodily features, fell over males adorned with – you guessed it – Affliction t-shirts, cocked baseball hats, cans Natural Light, and parental disappointment. I truly doubt I ever resembled that in my freshmen heyday because I was at least mentally aware of how unintelligent the members of these scenes were.
After a little less than 2 hours, the lesser half of Chiddy Bang, Xaphoon, arrives. No one really cares. He’s white and he doesn’t rap. Granted, he’s a decent producer, but most producer’s don’t attach their faces to their clients for more exposure. Get off the stage and back to your Macbook, bro. His only saving grace was playing some Ol’ Dirty Bastard while we tapped our watches and toes, getting antsy for the Chiddiest one’s arrival.
As 9pm becomes 9:05, then 9:15, people start to wonder what will happen. Xaphoon occasionally provides traffic updates as to Chiddy’s location, but they curiously got farther and farther from the frat house. So it goes. A little short of 9:30, Sir Bang arrives. He declares that regardless of the noise ordinance, the concert will last as long as he decrees. Ha. HA! MUHAHAHAHAHA! …sure, Chid.
The first two songs are curiously softer than the opening act’s. Perhaps this is because we notified a frother (frat brother) that one of the loudspeakers are glowing hot orange and likely about to ignite. The young male (likely a Mensa-candidate) pointed at himself as we motioned him over, then turned around and walked away from us. Sir, we are doing this for your good. I would have no qualms about watching your house of white adolescent debauchery burn to Abercrombie-scented ashes. Go suck a d.
Oh wait, did I forget to mention that we were gifted with Xaphoon’s excellent percussion abilities? Perhaps they were fantastic, but the resident Live Audio Engineer/Audio Designer must have had some extra-nasty syphilis that day, because the rest of the brothers placed two vocal microphones haphazardly around the drums, likely looking like whatever ground of Neanderthals on the first attempts at the wheel. Thus, we never heard a single snare hit.
Anyways, after 2 songs, Chiddy declares that it is freestyle time, and requests rapping topics. Being a cynical, white crowd, patrons offered “Sodomy”, “Nuclear Proliferation”, “Groupies”, “Philly”, and “Stem Cells” as possible options. He went with the latter 3. I only heard one reference to stem cells, and that was him saying “stem cells”. Very clever, sir. Hats off to you.
(We’re almost there)
So, he dives into his next song. About 3/4′s of the way through, he suddenly turns his back on the audience and walks back into the area behind the stage. After a minute, he announced that the cops have arrived and the show must end. Apparently “rappin’ for ya’ll ALL NIGHT” actually means until 3 policewomen arrive on the scene. You’re very hood, dawg. Very hood.
As I shake my head in not-quite-disbelief (recall all of the negative foreshadowing earlier), Xaphoon announces that to make the night worthwhile, they will perform an acapella song before leaving. Oh, thank God, Buddha, Allah, and Richard Dawkins. Because the lyrics are why I listened to Chiddy Bang in the first place. Xaphoon takes a singular snare drum on stage while Chidderino raps sans microphone. I couldn’t hear a single word above the fraternity harlots shrieking with their 2-pack-a-day, lunchlady voices to “SHUT THE FUCK UP”. How much more persuasive can you get?
One of the best concerts I’ve ever seen was a rap concert, featuring Raekwon the Chef of the Wu-Tang Clan. So maybe I had some high hopes for this event. But they were crushed, aborted like the fetus of any unfortunate pairing at the fraternity that night, which surely happened after Chiddy Bang departed State College. So to the members of Sigma Chi and the collective of Chiddy Bang, I have two last words: fuck off.
(Chiddy Bang could possibly find redemption in offering a free concert at Penn State. Fratholes, not so much).
***Editor’s note: This was the song that no one could hear a cappella***
Chiddy Bang – All Things Go [YSI]
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Yep, it wasn’t even “Opposite of Adults” ….
