**Editor’s note: The May installment from guest writer Jon.TheYellowDart. Enjoy**
We got him!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
In case you live in a cave or perhaps a million dollar mansion in Pakistan (zing!), you’ve probably heard about how the United State of America, the greatest country yadda Dale Earnhardt yadda apple pie, etc. killed the shit out of Osama bin Laden. “What’s this have to do with music?” you stupidly ask. Nothing. ‘Merica. Deal with it.
First off, if you’re reading this and don’t live in America, come on in! The water’s diamonds.
Let’s first get these out of the way:
1) Now Donald Trump’s gonna wanna see bin Laden’s long form Death Certificate!
2) Now we’ve seen what America can really accomplish once the Playstation Network is down!
3) Obama and Osama are spelled really similarly. They’re probably brothers.
Alright. I promise not to reference any of those ever again. Except they are totally brothers.
I was asleep in my fortress of solitude (read: normal house) when the news broke because I have to get up early, God Barack. So I found out this morning once in my secret government compound (read: secret government compound). I should have known immediately that something profound had taken place when the traffic on the way to work wasn’t all that bad. But it was only once I had seen the news and was certain of its reality that I started to notice the changes.
In the event that you haven’t left your home today, be warned: Everything is all better now.
Upon the news of bin Laden’s death, stock prices opened higher. Oil stabilized. The grass in the sections by my front windows was cut (though I suspect my landlord). The sun broke free of the clouds. We count only blue cars. You know, UTOPIA.
So whatever problems were weighing you down as you fell into your typical horror-filled sleep-wreck, release them. You’re free. Like America free.
From my contact in the government (Hint: it’s the President. SHUT UP I KNOW HIM), I was able to obtain the following timeline of expected events now that the world is completely fixed.
May 2, 2011:
‘Round Midnight (Official military time): Osama bin Laden killed in a mansion in Abbottabad, Pakistan.
8:30 am: Traffic to work not all that bad.
9:00 am: Stock market opens at higher prices, helping the weakened economy.
10:00 am: Oil stabilizes. Just everywhere. All the oil’s good now.
2:00 pm: Grass in my yard cut.
6:00 pm: I have enough leftovers for dinner.
May 6th, 2011: Libya, Egypt, Tunisia, Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Jordan, and Syria adopt democracy and take the name ‘Middle America.’ Kansas is cool with it.
May 10th, 2011: The Ozone layer stocks up on Kalteen bars, bulks up, and ends Global Warming, which never existed at all.
June 4th, 2011: I go to Jamaica.
June 8th, 2011: The NFL reaches contract negotiations so we don’t have to pretend to care about other sports in the fall.
August 2011: All the world religious leaders have a summit on Mount Doom and cast their rings into the fires. They appoint the Dalai Lama head of religion, citing “Seems like a good guy.”
September 2011: Saw VIII is canned before release. The franchise saves the 2% credibility it currently holds.
October 2011: The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
November 2011: People forget about Rebecca Black. Justin Bieber is still a murderer, but only kills people that suck, like corporate executives and Donald Trump. I would pay outrageous money to see those two fight. The Biebs v. Trump in an MMA cage. Shut up and take my money.
December 2011: Democrats and Republicans hold a Winter’s Ball where most people stand awkwardly along the walls and stare at their feet. Eventually, Dick Cheney grinds Nancy Pelosi so hard that everyone decides: no more elections. Morgan Freeman becomes President for Life.
February 2012: The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl. The Lions!
The rest of 2012: Everything is so wicked awesome, like skateboards and Mountain Dew and no helmets cause, what am I, five? KAAARRRAAAATTTEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
December 2012: The Mayans are stupid and everybody talks about them behind their backs. Roland Emmerich is cast out of Earth for his false predictions and terrible movies.
January 2013: Worldwide Paintball.
See.
You.
There.
So you see, everything went better than expected, thus making this the single greatest day in the history of America forever and ever Amen.
On the other hand, my hair’s gotten so long that I have to dry it by doing that thing where you grab a bunch and like squeeze it with a towel and it takes forever, so maybe today’s not that great after all.
To justify this as a music article, I leave you with the undeniable replacement for our National Anthem:
Team America – American, Fuck Yeah [YSI]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhnUgAaea4M[/youtube]
Side note: I didn’t do an update for April because I hate you. It was going to be a concert review but, you know what? Concert was good. There. That would have been the gist of it.
As soon as I heard Justin Timberlake was hosting another episode of SNL, I set up my DVR! (I mean who’s home on a Saturday to watch…) However, I realized the most recent Lonely Island album, Turtleneck and Chain, had just been released and there wasn’t a song on there with JT. This worried me. That meant no third part to SNL Digital Short series with the Dick in a Box guys. I just couldn’t have that.
